Sunday, September 13
Just random thoughts
I think gaining weight is just as hard as losing it. Bed rest sucks and I don't really have a whole lot to do other than pick myself apart. I'm sitting here watching my muscles turn into fat more and more everyday wishing I could exercise. I'm already up over 60 lbs and am only 25 weeks pregnant. I'm really watching what I eat too but it doesn't seem to matter. I assume that is the Gestational Diabetes. Having Diabetes sucks also and I really feel for anyone who has it their whole lives. When my blood sugar gets high I don't even need to prick my finger, I know because I feel like complete and utter shit.I also notice that people say the dumbest crap to you while you're pregnant much like as you lose weight. I've really been going through hell. I don't know how else to describe it. Four weeks ago tomorrow I had some bad findings on my ultrasound. The baby has some things wrong with him. It could be nothing or it could be a few somethings. One of the few somethings means that our little guy will either be stillborn or die shortly after birth. I declined the amnio test which in retrospect was probably the stupidest thing I've ever done. I really that day thought it's all in God's hands and I trust that He won't do this to me. The last week especially has been complete misery for me. I've been so upset I'm not even sleeping. The days pass by very slowly when you're on bed rest and don't sleep. So tomorrow is the recheck of our little guy where I will be asking for the amnio so I have a definite answer.
I can't really talk about this to people. I'm already a pregnant mental case as I cry constantly for no reason. Factor in the above and don't even try to have a conversation with me. I've never cried this much in my life until I was pregnant this time around. I actually had a friend whom I discussed this all with tell me "Well, at least you're fertile enough to have another one." Ummm...I want THIS one. I can't even talk to her anymore right now.
Thank God I have Scott though. This week he's been like my knight in shining armor. He's made up little "dates" with me we can have in our room. The other night he picked out a movie that for 2 hours made me laugh hysterically and forget everything. He even has a little "concession stand" he puts in our room. I really don't know how I'd survive this without him.
posted by CheekyMoo @ 5:12 PM
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